The Beach Episode
by Seldavia
Summary: The powers that be decide to hold a beach party for the Smashers. But not everybody thinks this is a good idea. Just a bit of nonsense that may or may not be continued.


A dire situation indeed.

Samus had fought unimaginable monsters in the desperate depths of planets known to no one. She had survived long hours with little food or water, and oppressive atmospheres that threatened to rupture her armor. She had been struck by molten rock, energy beams that could destroy entire spaceships, and radiation strong enough to kill any living organism.

But today, she was about to be put to the test. Yes, a fearsome attempt on her honor, that threatened to wear away the last vestiges of her patience.

They called it a 'bikini'.

"These are your oxygen tanks. I will show you how to use them once we get closer to our destination," Samus instructed the two other women in front of her, who stood examining the pile of equipment with great interest. "We're all about the same size, so the wetsuits should fit you just fine. The masks go over the nose, like this, so you'll only breathe through your mouth. Do you remember the hand signals?"

Both women nodded, the dim light reflecting faintly on the symbols of monarchy they both wore on their heads.

"All right then. Peach, Zelda, we're ready to…"

Suddenly the door burst open. A tall, heavily armed man stood in the doorway, a small gun grasped in both hands. Samus whirled round, drawing her stun gun, as the two women beside her assumed a defensive fighting stance.

"Samus!" the man cried, relief in his voice. "Thank goodness I've found you!" As he stepped forward they recognized him as Snake, carrying a spearfishing gun in his hands. "Please, take me with you!"

She stuck her gun back in her holster, and the other two women relaxed. "Snake, this isn't a holiday excursion. This is a rescue mission."

"I know, that's why I came." Snake walked up to them, his always-haggard expression even worse than usual. He looked Samus full in the face. "I'm doing NOTHING that involves dancing the Limbo."

* * *

"And there'll be a Tiki Bar, and a surfing competition, and…and HIJINKS!" Captain Falcon waved his arms enthusiastically. "This is going to be great! Why aren't you excited?!"

"I don't understand what any of those words mean," Marth admitted.

"C'mon, man, you're a teenager! Don't you like fun?"

Marth gave him a puzzled look. "I appreciate the break from the battles, though the activities set up in this 'party' appear to be just as pointless as our fights."

Falcon rolled his eyes. "Oh man, what's wrong with kids today? I've never seen such dour faces in teenagers before. You, and Ike, and Link…are you going to the party to wait for a funeral to break out?"

Stuck for a reply, Marth was saved by a small voice yelling "Captain Falcon!"

"Cadet Ness!" He saluted the small boy. "What can I do for you, son?"

Ness held up a plastic bucket and shovel. "Will you help us build a sandcastle, Captain Falcon?"

"Absolutely! Go on ahead and get started!" He dashed off in another direction. "Feel free to join us, Emo Boy! No sense in letting a good time go to waste!"

Marth watched him go, the same puzzled expression still on his face. "Who builds a castle out of sand?"

* * *

"NOOOOO!" Captain Falcon fell to his knees in the sand, arms outstretched and reaching for the sky. "WHYYYY?"

"What's your problem?" Bowser demanded as he passed by, drawn by the smell of something grilling.

"What's the point of going to the beach when there aren't any bikini babes?" Captain Falcon demanded, sobbing.

"We don't know any bikini babes. What are you talking about? I'm just here for the roast." Bowser pointed to a table groaning with food, set against flaming poles and giant tiki masks, with a grass-skirt fringe. An adventure in balsawood. "Come on, you big baby, I'll bet they have ice cream."

"But that's the whole point of a beach party," Captain Falcon groused, after loading up a hot dog with everything and grabbing a watered-down beer. "To see what the ladies look like in bikinis!"

"Samus took the others spearfishing," Bowser informed him, mouth full.

"I know," Falcon replied sadly. "Why aren't you bothered by it? Aren't you curious?"

"I think they look nice enough as they are," he replied flatly. "Besides, anybody who tries to get a glimpse of Samus in a bikini is gonna get his clock cleaned." Taking a big bite of roast, he added, "Weren't you going to build sandcastles with the kiddies?"

"They've already built several taller than I am. These are kiddies with powers, remember?" He sighed and gestured toward his swimsuit. "And I bought these shorts just for the babes, too."

Bowser decided not to comment on their motif of tiny rocket ships.

"Captain Falcon?" a small voice piped up at the end of the table. It was Yoshi, not one of the children. "Would you like to play volleyball with us? Oh, and Bowser…um, you can come too?"

"Pft. What makes you think I'd want to play around with you?" Bowser demanded.

Rolling his eyes to the sky, Yoshi replied, "Oh, I don't know…maybe the thousand times you came to go-kart…"

"SHHHH!" Bowser shoved him roughly aside. "What did I tell you about talking about that?"

"Is it bikini beach volleyball?" Captain Falcon asked hopefully.

"Huh?" Yoshi's expression folded into puzzlement.

"Let's just go," Bowser said as he pulled Captain Falcon out of his seat. "I wanna do something besides listen to you complain."

* * *

"Hey, how come I gotta be on Wario's team?" Bowser demanded.

"Itsa Bad Guys versus Good Guys!" Mario explained. "You-a Bad Guy, so you-a play with Wario."

Bowser opened his mouth to explain that he was not ALWAYS a Bad Guy, but decided that would damage his street cred, so he brought up another problem. "We've only got three – me, Wario, and Wolf. You've got four – yourself, Luigi, Yoshi, and Captain Falcon."

"Who cares?" Wolf demanded. "S'matter – afraid you'll lose again?"

"C'mon c'mon c'mon!" Wario called from just over the net.

"No, no no no. First of all, I'm not playing behind Wario," Bowser declared. "And not against a couple of guys who jump up and hit things for a living. I'm gonna go find another Bad Guy. Or at least a Morally Ambigious Guy."

He shuffled off back to the food table, where Kirby was demonstrating his speed eating abilities. "Hey Dedede!" he called. "Get your big butt over here and play some volleyball with us!"

Dedede shook his head, busily attempting to move some of the food aside for himself. Bowser spied Metaknight chopping up more ingredients for the kebabs, as Kirby had literally inhaled them all. "Yo, flying bouncy ball – what about you?"

A shake of the head from Metaknight.

"Aw, c'mon, seriously…why does it have to be this way?" Bowser grumbled. He spied a little knot of people near the ocean's edge. "Look at those poor kids, teenagers forced to grow up and fight people that are actually serious about it…I bet Marth, Ike and Link wouldn't say no to a little beach volleyball, and they wouldn't care who's on whose side, either…"

Then his eye fell on someone else sitting in a beach chair closer to the palm trees. He immediately jettisoned his half-formed plan and hurried over. "Hey, Ganondorf, get over here on our side for beach volleyball."

He didn't even turn to look at Bowser. "I am sure I have no idea what you're babbling about."

Bowser turned the same way Ganondorf was facing. "Dude, c'mon. This is neutral ground, and Zelda's off finding strange creatures and killing them with Samus. There's no need to watch that kid. And we can tell you're watching him; you're not fooling anybody with those shades."

"Go away."

"Look, it's not hard. You hit the ball on the other team's side, and make sure that they don't hit it on your side. That's it. And since all the Mario brothers do all day is jump around, we're at a disadvantage."

"I have no interest in your feud with the Mustache Brothers."

Bowser began to lose his temper. "What are you going to do, sit in the sand all day? You're tan enough as it is. Maybe I should throw you in the water to cool you off."

Ganondorf finally took off the sunglasses to glare at him. "The sand suits me just fine. Do not threaten me."

Suddenly it dawned on Bowser. "You can't swim, can you?"

Ganondorf dropped the sunglasses back down onto his nose. "I said go away."

The next moment he flailing in surprise as Bowser held him in a stranglehold. "You're going to play beach volleyball, or I'm throwing you in the ocean!"

"Put me down, you overgrown terrapin!"

Bowser inched his way to the shoreline. "Are you going to try to cheat death? Or should I get your little boy friend to save you?"

"You fool! I'll just regenerate!" Ganondorf wrestled an arm free and struck Bowser on the nose. "Let go or feel the wrath of the Darkness!"

"Yeah, whatever. Bad guy being threatened by another Bad Guy, not scary."

The trio of teenagers watched as the two villains started a fistfight on the shoreline. "Infernal reptile!"

"Washed-up wizard!"

"If I may interrupt…" Marth began.

"Stay out of this!" both villains shouted.

"If you say so…" Marth replied, and he and the two others ran off in the other direction."

Bowser scowled. "What on earth was that about?"

Any further comment either of them could have been made was drowned out by an enormous wave, ridden by an electric-blue hedgehog on an equally blue surfboard.

Leaving the two fighters half-buried in the sand and a mountain of kelp.

Ganondorf stood, picking the kelp out of his hair. "I do not like the ocean." He stalked off back to his chair.


End file.
